I was a quiet child even though I thought I feel very deeply. I remember being a lonely child as my father was often at work and Mum was usually too busy with mahjong games.
My elder brother and sister were too busy with their own affairs to have time for me. I often played with the children in my neighbourhood, but when night fell and everybody got home, I was often left alone waiting for Mum to return home from her mahjong games. How I used to hate her mahjong games which seemed like some kind of evil that took her heart and soul from me.
I know my Mum loves me, for she often sang to me and told me her sad childhood when she was not busy with her mahjong games. The bonding between us was therefore never strong. I grew up not needing her much though I know that I should provide for her.
When I visited her and dad after my marriage, I often had to sit with my bed-ridden dad while doing my own reading. Mum would be away for her mahjong games.
Was I a good daughter to my parents? Yes, I provided for them and loved both of them especially dad who had always doted on me. After Dad’s demise, I knew that I had to take care of Mum as she grew old and soon showed signs of dementia. I took her home as younger sister was in America and there was nobody else. Yet, I was often busy, with my work, my interest and my books. I just did not seem to have the time and the love for the people who should matter most to me. I realized now that perhaps I have lived a very selfish life.
I have not communicated enough with the people close to me, my dad, my mum, my elder sister and now my own children. I feel that I was indeed handicapped and unable to form deep relationships with people. I was hungry to communicate with people on a deeper level. So far, I was able to communicate on that level with only some of my friends like Beng Keow, Lai Heng and Swee Kum. Perhaps, God is trying to tell me that human relationships are imperfect just as we, mortals are imperfect and our longing can only be satisfied by His filling the vacuum in our hearts.
Well, it is pointless to regret the past for what is important is the present. With God’s guidance, I can work on my relationship with my two daughters, Lynn and Sarah as well as people who come into my life. Lord, I pray for your forgiveness in all my shortcomings. Fill me with Your love that I may love You and all the people You have sent into my life.
